Just Like Riding a bike?
So I tear up a lot when watching Doctor Who. Most of the scenes designed to pull at the heartstrings work on me. But there was once seen that really, really got to me.
It was Ryan trying to learn to ride a bike.
Even before they stated it I knew what was happening. This was a dispraxic person struggling to learn to ride a bike.
I knew, because I lived it.
When watching that scene I was transported right back to my 11 year old self. The fear, the frustration at my own body just not doing what it was told. The explosive anger.
“ Why, why is this so hard for me? Everyone else my age has learnt to ride a bike, why can’t I? Why am I so thick. Why am I so stupid. “
It was my inability to learn to ride a bike like my peers that first led to my dyspraxia diagnosis.
Cut to me in my 30s once again going through the terror of learning to ride a bike. Because for dyspraxic people the phrase ‘its just like riding a bike you never forget’ does not apply. After over a decade since having a bike before I have found my brain has utterly forgotten how to coordinate my body on a bike.
I had wanted to get a bike for a while now. I think I romanticize bikes as this big part of Solarpunk. Bikes bring freedom and mobility. Imagining a world where towns were built around easy cycle paths instead of roads is a big part of some Solarpunk visions. This view was only intensified in the past years lockdowns. The biggest isolation both me and my partner felt was the ban on using public transport. When restrictions were eased to allow for outside meetings, this social contact was denied to us because the restrictions on public transport remained.
We were not the only ones who felt this. The Lockdown in the UK spurred a huge boom in bicycle ownership. According to cycling weekly 1.3 million bikes were purchased in the first lockdown alone [1].
So, when a friend told me they would gift me their old bike now they are upgrading I jumped at the chance. I am now the proud owner of a mountain bike. And when I tried it out I found my body, once again, could not balance and coordinate.
I have debated what to do. Forcing myself to practice is quite anxiety inducing, and I am having to fight myself on this but also feels like loosing if I give up.
I don’t know if its internalized ablism or a healthy drive to push myself. That is a mental knot I am having to unpick a lot since my autism diagnosis; the push and pull of wanting to meet the standards set by a neurotypical society and learning to accept I may need structural support to do my best.
I could get a conversion kit and turn the bike into a trike. This would not only fix the issue of trying to balance while operating the bike but also grant more cargo space. Although this would make finding a place to park up more difficult.
I could also get a set of adult stabilizers. They are cheaper and would only be temporary until I can train my co-ordinations and reactions for steering. The main thing stopping me is the sense of judgement I would feel. Now I know most of this would be in my head, but it looms large.
You don’t see adults with stabilizers. That invisibility makes it harder to be someone doing that.
When we envision a future full of bicycles it’s important those machines reflect the different kind of humans who would use them.
Originally published at https://solarpunkdruid.com on May 11, 2021.
